Everyone has their celebrity crushes. Mine is this lady, Zooey Deschanel.

While Zooey D. will never be as hot or as rad as my incredible wife, she is still pretty cool.

Most of you will probably remember her from her role in the move Elf.

Unlike most celebrity crushes, I believe mine is pure of heart. Unlike my second celebrity crush on the Michelin Man (oh, the things I’d do to you, you dirty dirty tire-lovin’ humanoid….like, feed you sushi with my feet).

So, I’ve compiled a list of a few reasons why you, too, should find yourself swooning over Zooey D. And by swoon, I mean listening to Death Cab for Cutie (whose lead singer happens to be her husband) while in your shower, crying, and writing “I Heart U 4-Eva” in soap on the tile walls (DISCLAIMER: keep radio out of shower).

1. The first reason why you should love Mrs. Death Cab is for the incredible set of pipes she has on her. The way this girl sings blows my mind. Serious. Ever been locked in a closet with Charlie Sheen on Friday 13th as a Sabertooth Tiger gnaws at your ankles and Chuck whispers in your ear sweet nothings about how much he wants to snort your ashes? Well, listening to Zooey D. sing is the exact opposite of that. Don’t believe me? Check out her mad skills in one of my favorite bands, She and Him (the “Him” being the incredible M. Ward). Also, their rendition of “You’ve Really Got A Hold On Me” was the song my wife and I danced to at our wedding. It pretty much suits us perfectly. Fun fact!
2. If you’re at all a fan of The Wizard of Oz (and you should be), you need to check out the little bit that she did for the Syfy network, called Tin Man. I normally cannot stand Syfy movies. I’m sorry but I can only take so much of pterodactyls being destroyed by a nuclear fallout caused by aliens that left their planet because the fairy dust they were breathing in was deadly and caused them to develop overactive tear ducts that melted their own faces and turned into bombs the moment they touched the ground….but this one was genuinely incredible. Check it out. FUN FACT #2: This was the first movie my wife and I watched together and we still watch it together some nights in bed.
3. Every other role she’s ever had in a movie. Check the list out here. Why are you waiting? Are you on the toilet? Me too. It’s cool. Hey, what do you use to wipe with? A friend I had uses sandpaper. That was one of the side effects of his third grade love affair with a can of glue.
4. Last but certainly not least, she has a new series coming out this fall on FOX called New Girl. My wife and I are actually pretty excited about it given the commercials that we’ve seen. Also, I heard the whole show was filmed in claymation 3D IMAX. Pretty sick, huh? Yea, I know!

Bryan Allain has done a lot of wonderful things throughout his life. But none of that crap matters anymore and it’s high time someone (i.e. me and Anderson Cooper) start asking some really hard questions that I doubt he’ll have the smarts enough to answer correctly on time.

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Bryan Allain, owner and founder of Killer Tribes and clinically obsessed Amish deviant. Tell me, what’s your deepest secret that you don’t want anyone to ever know?

Nice try, Al Fredrico. (Al Fredrico is my arch-nemesis in life. He’s the Plankton to my Krabs, and I know he paid you to put this question in. Suck it, Fredrico!)

How dare you, you piece of crap!! Fredrico only ever loved you with all his heart! You left him after that semester at community college. He felt betrayed and lonely and hungry and betrayed. He was way to broke to pay me. I did this for him as a favor!! So,you suck it, Allain!! -Al Fredrico

You’ve been on a kick lately about the importance of losing weight. Don’t you think that’s what fatties think?

Everything about this question is false, I havent been on a kick about the importance of losing weight. I dont think it’s important at all. I’m just doing it. I’m losing weight, despite it not being important. But have I mentioned I’m losing weight? My reward for the diet restrictions is the pleasure in telling others that I am less fat than I was 5 weeks ago.

Have you contacted the Eskimos about your Killer Tribes conspiracy theory?

Of course not, they are at the center of it.

Sure. And I bet you think we landed on the moons, too, huh? Moron. -AF

Doesn’t Tyler Stanton remind you of the littlest, ugly Hobbit from Lord of the Rings?

I just wasted 20 minutes trying to figure out which hobbit you meant. Also, I nearly went blind from looking at Tyler’s face. I’ll send you the bill from my ophthalmologist. (this sentence brought to you by spell-check)

I’ve read some of your fan-made The Office episodes.

Does your lack of an opinion on them mean you loved them like the rest of America did? I’m in talks right now with the writers of the Office to run the whole show. And by “talks” I mean “fantasies I have while eating my salad at lunchtime”. I eat salads because i’m losing weight.

PWOMP!

Who’s the fattest person you’ve ever made fun of and how much gooder did it make you feel afterwards?

Myself.

HA! Take that, Allain! -AF

Ever thought of running away to some small town in, like, Cleveland and changing your name and no longer trying to fit in or be successful or make your friends actually like you and taking up some crappy job at a movie theater as a popcorn attendant and meeting a guy named “Pan” who gets you into the local club scene where everyone just chills the crap out and doesn’t worry about whether or not it’s ok to eat Ben and Jerry’s hot dog flavored chocolate ice cream at 3am because “it’s too late for carbs”?

I was with you right up until Ben & Jerry’s. Cheez-its are my vice.

What’s your social security number?

481-51-62342

LOLZ! Gotcha, Allain!! Totally gotcha! FACIAL! -AF

Who will you vote for in this next presidential election? I’m going for the Green Tea Party at SummerSlam!!

If we could vote for teas to be president I would vote for Rooibos. Some of my favorite loose leaf teas are Rooibos. No calories, no caffiene, and if you mix it with an herbal you can really get some amazing flavors popping in your mouth while you drink it to fill your belly because you’re so hungry because you don’t eat late night snacks anymore because you are trying to keep off the weight you lost like Barry Obama.

I hate everything about everything you just said.

Me too. -AF

How much has this interview exceeding all of your expectations?

Proportional to your lack of proper grammar usage, i’ve never been more happy with an interview because it’s over.

Your mom’s not proportional.

Dadgummit! -AF

Does anyone have anything they’d like to say to the infamous Bryan Allain?

The first thing that went through my head when I found out that I was going to be a father was “OMG, how am I gonna tell my wife?” She was cool, though, y’all.

But keeping your baby in your wife’s uterus for safekeeping can be scary. So much can go wrong. For example, my biggest fear is that my child will be born a muggle. Because it’s like, “OMG! Was it something I did? Is my wife responsible for this horror?” It’s a common concern.

Everyone I know keeps giving me the Say Goodbyes:

• Say goodbye to sleep.
• Say goodbye to your social life.
• Say goodbye to completing that jazzercise/psychic robot you’ve been working on for six years.

Face plaster, MeeMaw!!

For my first two posts on getting unsingle go here and here.

So, here’s a few more sure-fire ways to go from singled to mingled in under 60 seconds.*

1. Have a friend call your beeper when you’re spitting game at a fly-girl. Look at the beeper and then say, “Gotta jam, babe. Biznass as usual.” Then, pull out a bag of cocaine so she knows you’re for realz and won’t hesitate to cap a fool…for love.

2. Brag about how much weight you’ve lost using “Lap Band”. Carry around a before picture that says “FAT” and an after picture that says “PHATTER”. 

3. Get a Sears credit card. With this she’ll think, “Awww. He’s for true trippin’ on me. When we get all serious and junk he’ll buy me a washer and dryer to prove he’s domesticated.” But you and I both know that card is only so you can buy some sweet Dockers and a total killer new Ecko track suit. 

So, That’s it. Quit being a punk and go get unsingle.

*Not actually guaranteed in 60 seconds depending on your time zone. Alaska not included.

Dear Schizophrenic Menopausal Retarded “Moms”,

I’d like to speak on behalf of all mankind when I say, “How badly do you hate your daughters?” I understand that your husbands probably no longer find you attractive and all hope of leaving your craptastic town for stardom and fame has died but…really!?

I saw several episodes of your show last night and I felt more frightened than that white girl on Beyond Scared Straight.

Where did you learn your parenting skills? The Lohan family?

Let’s just think this through…

Your daughters are no older than twelve, yet the pressure for perfection you’ve placed on them accompanied by the exposure to your obvious lack of mental stability will surely manifest itself some day in their future.

DID YOU NOT SEE BLACK SWAN!?!?!?

Awkward sex scenes, hallucinations, black feathers growing from their shoulders, and dressing room death is what lies ahead for them if you continue down this road of child abuse (yes, I called it that).

Why can’t you just let a nice man like Patrick Swayze teach your daughters how to mash potato across a log in a 50s montage like normal people!? For Christ’s sake, she has hungry eyes!

When your daughters drop out of high school to marry Chino Quintana and the pinacle of their career is dancing back-up in his “music video” shot entirely on his stolen iPhone….

…please know, America blames you. Everyone just blames you.

Sincerely,

David T. Robbins

Being an American is Difficult and Stuff lol

President Obama told America through our television sets that we ought to write our state representatives in regards to the current debt crisis. 

So, I did. 

This is the actual e-mail I sent to Representative Ken Calvert. 

Dear Representative Calvert,

I’m hoping that you’re the right person to e-mail and I haven’t somehow stumbled across a branch of government wherein you oversee matters pertaining to aliens or Transformers. (Although, I doubt a run in with either would be worse than the current state of our economy. Scratch that, I don’t trust the fate of humankind in the hands of Shia Labeouf. There are more qualified people than that. Like, Will Smith. SEE: Independence Day.)

Like most Americans who live in my house, I have been keeping close watch on the Debt Crisis we’re currently involved in. Thankfully, I understand approximately 67% of what’s being said, and that’s because Apple has recently developed a political jargon translator app for the iPhone and iPad.

Rep. Calvert, I fully intend on having a family one day. My wife and I long to have children. We were recently married in January of this year. She works at our church and I am an employee of the school district while working on my Bachelors Degree in English.

You see, Representative, nothing would make me happier that to someday look down at my son/daughter with pride and say, “United States of America Robbins, you were named after a great country. (You were almost named ‘Canada’ but I don’t hate you.) A country which has provided you with every opportunity imaginable for success. It is a country built on values, morals, dreams, and magical unicorn tears that would make C.S. Lewis weep. This country almost lost everything once or twice but because we’re American and consume literally millions of dollars in protein shakes, we were much stronger than that.”

That being said, I trust that you will do your part to protect the little guys like my friend, Gerald. He’s only five feet two inches. He’s thirty-two. It’s quite sad.

Please, do your part to help fix our economy without allowing us to go into default or lose our jobs. You were elected because someone thought you were capable of doing so.

Don’t prove them (me) wrong.

You would look better with a beard.

Sincerely,

David T. Robbins

I’m no financial genius. I can barely add and subtract (I refuse to divide and multiply). Truthfully, I can’t be trusted with other people’s money.

Basically, that means I’m just as qualified as the rest of these jerks who are trying to fix our debt crisis. So, I figured I’d weigh in on the subject and give my spin about what needs to be fixed.

First, let’s go over some basics.

1. John Boehner’s name is funny. There’s no excuse to not laugh.
2. We are still America and our country is by far better than Sweden.
3. If you can count, you can count on us.

Gary Busey and the Underdeveloped Sea Urchin

It is a warm summer afternoon along the Pacific Coast. Deep below the ocean, 100 yards away, Gary Busey is scuba diving. He is not wearing any scuba gear, only an empty tin coffee can sealed tightly and containing what Gary likes to call “most gooder air”. He has trained himself to hold his breath for over two hours after befriending Aquaman and then holding him hostage in the desert before the Justice League stepped, saved Aquaman, and got a restraining order.

As Gary Busey walks along the floor of the ocean, he accidently steps on an underdeveloped sea urchin named Belenus (which as we all know means “hero” in Irish mythology).

Here is their conversation:

Gary
What the smell!? Watch where you’re going you incestuous piece of mush!

Belenus
(wiping tears from his eyes)
Pardon me, sir.

Gary
Don’t you dare pardon yourself in the presence of greatness!

Belenus
(confused)
Are you a king, sir?

Gary
Yes. I am.

Belenus
Then I am honored to stand in your presence, my liege.

Gary
Yea. Say, what are you doing underneath my feet? Don’t you have some relatives that share your life blood you ought to be swimming with? My son Jake hates me.

Belenus
Alas, I do. I am, however, banned from my kingdom.

Gary
Because you were framed for kidnapping?

Belenus
Pardon me?

Gary
Ok.

Belenus
No! I…I was exiled because I am underdeveloped. You see, most sea urchin are five-symmetrical. I am but only four. Hence, my square-like figure. This makes me and my fellow military urchin vulnerable to attack. My lack of five-symmetrical armor risks the lives of my friends and family whom I love deeply.

Gary
I like your pretty colors.

Belenus
Thank you, your highness. I have been told that perhaps a profession in the arts might suit me well. But I am a solider at heart.

Gary
Can I touch your squiggly things?

Belenus
(excited)
By all means! I have never been touched by human hands before, let alone royalty.

Gary
I’m not human, I’m ambidextrous.

Belenus
How wonderful!

Gary picks Belenus up and licks him, causing his tongue to bleed profusely.

Gary
Tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna take you home and bring you home some friends, ok?

Belenus
You have the heart of a noble squid! I’m just grateful you’re nothing like that arrogant Seaweed Prince.

And, so, Gary took Belenus home as a pet. This begins their journey together. Stay tuned…